Kindess (to ourselves) conquers stress

Humanitarians are hard on themselves.

Humanitarians tend to be a pretty compassionate bunch - when it comes to other people. But self-compassion? That's almost taboo in the field.

We're not supposed to worry about ourselves, our needs, our stress, or our unhappiness when we're surrounded by so much suffering.

That's what we're told, implicitly and sometimes explicitly: Be selfless, don't take care of yourself, and stop complaining about being stressed.

That's bad advice.

Research on self-compassion shows just how important it is to take care of ourselves.

Self-compassion is the act of treating ourselves with the same kindness, understanding, and support that we usually reserve for other people. It means being moved by our own pain and suffering and responding to ourselves with warmth and caring in the same way we might respond to a loved one.

It's the opposite of self-criticism.

The kinder you are to yourself, the less stress you'll feel.

Self-criticism - harshly judging ourselves for our mistakes, discounting and minimizing our feelings, and expecting ourselves to "just get over it" - activates our stress response. When we respond to our feelings with self-judgment, we increase the amount of stress we feel.

Self-compassion, on the other hand, deactivates the stress response and activates a soothing, calming response controlled by the parasympathetic nervous system.

Studies on self-compassion have shown that when we respond to ourselves with kindness, we see criticism and failure as less threatening and at a physiological level, we respond less to stressors*. We're able to recover faster from disappointments and to cope better with set-backs and disappointments**.

Self-compassion doesn't just help reduce stress. It's linked to lower levels of anxiety, depression, and burnout, and to higher levels of well-being, recovery from trauma, and coping***.

Compassion isn't pity.

If self-compassion is so important, why is it so hard to do?

Being kind to ourselves brings up a lot of fears - fear of being viewed (by ourselves and others) as self-indulgent, self-pitying, or weak. So let's set the record straight on that.

Self-compassion isn't pity. It doesn't mean wallowing in your emotions or ignoring other people's suffering. It isn't self-indulgent. It doesn't mean letting yourself off the hook or refusing to take responsibility for your actions.

When you treat yourself with compassion, it creates a space in which you feel safe enough to acknowledge your painful feelings, accept your flaw and mistakes, and give yourself support. Self-compassionate people recognize that their problems connect them to other people, that stress and sadness and pain are part of being human.

What do you need?

There's a ton more I could say about self-compassion (and do say in my mini-course in using self-compassion to cope with stress) but let's get practical now.

Researchers are exploring ways to help people show more compassion to themselves, from short exercises to in-depth programs. This quick exercise comes from the Mindful Self-Compassion program developed by Germer and Neff, two of the leading researchers on self-compassion****:

Think of a difficult situation you're facing right now, something that is causing you stress. Ask yourself "What do I need?" "What is the kindest thing I could do for myself right now?" Then - and this is the important part - do that thing right now!

For more tips on using self-compassion to cope with stress, check out Cope with Kindness, a free mini-course in self-compassion.

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* Allen, A. B., & Leary, M. R. (2010). Self-Compassion, Stress, and Coping. Social and Personality Psychology Compass, 4(2), 107–118. http://doi.org/10.1111/j.1751-9004.2009.00246.x

* Breines, J. G., Thoma, M. V., Gianferante, D., Hanlin, L., Chen, X., & Rohleder, N. (2013). Self-compassion as a predictor of interleukin-6 response to acute psychosocial stress. Brain, Behavior, and Immunity, http://dx.doi.org/10.1016/j.bbi.2013.11.006

* Pace, T. W. W.., Negi, L. T., Adame, D. D., Cole, S. P., Sivilli, T. I., Brown, T. D., Issa, M. J., & Raison, C. L. (2009). Effect of compassion meditation on neuroendocrine, innate immune and behavioral responses to psychosocial stress. Psychoneuroendocrinology, 34(1), 87–98. http://doi.org/10.1016/j.psyneuen.2008.08.011

** Leary, M. R., Tate, E. B., Adams, C. E., Batts Allen, A., & Hancock, J. (2007). Self-compassion and reactions to unpleasant self-relevant events: The implications of treating oneself kindly. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 925, 887-904. http://dx.doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.92.5.887

*** Barnard, L. K. & Curry, J. F. (2011). Self-compassion: Conceptualizations, correlates, and interventions. Review of General Psychology, 15, 289-303.

**** Germer, C., & Neff, K. D. (2013). Self-compassion in clinical practice. Journal of Clinical Psychology: In Session, 69, 856-867.

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You are not a balloon

We all do it.

You're stressed out so you drop by a colleague's office. And then it starts - the rant. And before you know it, you've spent 30 minutes rehashing every little detail of everything little thing that is bothering you.

Venting. Ranting. Letting off steam. Whatever you call it, we all do it. But venting doesn't work.

Venting feeds stress.

How many times have you said "I just need to vent, then I'll feel better." There's tons of advice out there that suggests that venting - whether it's a verbal rant or a physical act like punching a pillow - relieves stress.

The problem is that advice is wrong.

The psychological research on this is pretty clear - venting, both verbal and physical, doesn't work. Venting to reduce your emotions is like trying to put out a fire by dousing it in gasoline¹ - it makes it worse.

There are a couple of problems with venting. First there's the assumption that if you can get some of your stress outside of you by venting, there will be less of it inside of you. Like letting air out of a balloon. But...

You're not a balloon.

You don't have a limited supply of stress. You're not a balloon that deflates when you let out some air. In fact it's the opposite. Describing in minute detail everything that is stressing you out feeds your stress.

And that's the second problem with venting. It feeds the very emotion you're trying to get rid of. When we act or think in ways that matches what we're feeling, it makes our emotion stronger. So if you're stressed and you act stressed - by venting, for example - you're feeding that stressful feeling and making it stronger.

So does that mean you shouldn't talk about things that stress you out? Nope. Bottling up your feelings is also pretty bad for you (more on that in another post). The key is changing how you talk about stressors.

Replace mindless venting with positive venting.

There is a way of venting that helps relieve stress. I call it positive venting. Positive venting doesn't feed the stress loop in your head, it interrupts it. Rather than going over (and over and over) what was said and done, positive venting helps you see things in a different light.

Studies on coping have found that one of the most effective ways to feel better is to change your perspective - to reframe the situation in a more positive way. Find a benefit in the stress - an opportunity to grow or learn, a chance to use a new skill or practice compassion towards someone else, a change to test yourself. You can do that on your own but it's also a really great way to tweak your venting rather than just complaining.

Don't complain; reframe.

So next time you're tempted to rant about something that's bothering you, ask yourself "How can I talk about this situation in a more positive way? What benefit is there for me here?" And then talk about that as much as you talk about the nitty gritty of what is bothering you. End your rant with a positive spin. Yes, it's stressful or irritating or annoying but... and insert your positive spin here.

It won't just benefit you, it will also benefit the person you're venting to. Cause let's face it, as much as we all like to rant, it's not that much fun to listen to someone else rant. So when you shift the way you rant - when you change from mindless to positive venting, you'll find it has a positive impact on your relationships as well. The people listening will be more engaged and more willing to stick around. You can even enlist them to help - if you can't find a positive spin on it, ask someone else for their take on it.

I'd love to hear how it goes for you so if you try it out, leave me a comment below and let me know. And if you know any world-class ranters, pass this on to help them out.

¹Bushman, B. J. (2002). Does venting anger feed or extinguish the flame? Catharsis, rumination, distraction, anger, and aggressive responding. *Personality and social psychology bulletin, 28(6),* 724-731.

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What do you want to know about managing stress?

People do one of two things when I tell them I'm a psychologist: get really uncomfortable and say "oh no, you're analyzing me!" OR ask a question.

The questions cover everything from "Is it normal for me to ..." to "how do I cope with ..." to "what should I do about ...?"

For months I've been filing those questions away in my head so I can create the best course possible to help you manage stress, thrive at work and at home, and be as resilient as possible.

And that's where you come in.

As I'm finishing up the content for the my stress management course, I need to know what you need to know.

Please use the form below to tell me what you want to know about stress, resilience, and thriving in humanitarian work. What are the big (and not so big) concerns you have about stress? What do you want to learn? What are the hardest parts of your work and your life? How does stress impact you now? And for bonus points, tell me how you want to feel instead. I promise I won't analyze you!

For bonus bonus points, please share this post with other humanitarians.

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What 4 nights in Kakuma taught me about work-life balance

Work-life balance is one of those elusive concepts that is easier on paper than in real life. It sounds good in principle – have an equilibrium between the time and energy you put into your work, and the time and energy you devote to other parts of your life. Putting it into practice is another story. There are so many factors that push for us to work longer than we should – heavy workloads, organizational culture, a sense of duty, and depending on your post, not a lot to pull you away from work.

I experienced that last one when I was in Kakuma a couple of weeks ago. Kakuma is a town in Northern Kenya that hosts a camp of 179,000 refugees. The staff compound is more than adequate in terms of comfort and safety. It doesn’t, however, have what you could call an active nightlife. Like most remote duty stations, it’s a make-your-own-fun kind of place. And that means it's all too easy to spend more and more time working, and less and less time on the rest of your life.

If your work-life seesaw weighs heavily in the favour of work, here are three tips for getting closer to a healthy balance.

1)  Set your computer to shut down at a certain time.

I had the best of intentions to stop work at a reasonable hour but most nights I stayed later than I planned, succumbing to the “just one more email” or “just another 15 minutes” thinking. Not surprisingly, one more email turned into 20, and 15 minutes into an hour.

When you’ve got a ton to do, it’s always going to be tempting to work longer, even when you’re becoming less productive by the second. So don’t rely on yourself, let technology do it for you.

Set your computer to shut down at a pre-determined time each evening. (Here are instructions for Mac and PC users on how to do just that). You can always override the automatic shutdown if you’re in a real crunch. But it will serve as a reminder of your commitment to work-life balance and help you resist that “just one more email” mentality.

2) Get a life!

Your computer has trained you to leave the office, now what?

When I finished grad school, I often stayed late at the office because I wasn’t used to having free time and didn’t know what to do with myself.

If you want work-life balance, you actually need a life outside of work, right?

And in places like Kakuma, that means finding things you can do in that kind of environment. Be creative – exercise, book club, meditation, taking an online course – there are tons of things you can do. One of the staff I met there had her own garden and used the fruits of her labour to make amazing meals. Pretty impressive in the middle of a desert.

Your choices for recreation may be more limited than at home but there is always something you can do to keep yourself busy and engaged in life.

3) Schedule your free time

If you’ve done the first two steps, you are well on your way to a better balance. If you really want to solidify it, start scheduling your free time.

Having hobbies and interests outside of work is a great step. But if it comes down to a vague plan to “do something later” versus a concrete pile of work to get through, which one do you think will win out?

Most of us schedule our work commitments and social engagements. Go a step further and schedule all your free time, yes, even the hour you want to spend watching the latest episode of your favourite TV show. You don’t have to be rigid about it, but having a concrete plan of what you’ll do when you leave the office makes it much more likely that you will leave the office.

Write it down. “Family time”, “skype call with Natalie”, “relaxing on my couch”, “reading”, “dinner with friends” – those things are as important as the meetings, emails, interviews, counselling sessions, and other tasks you do in your work life. They deserve to be scheduled and observed in the same way.

So that’s it. Three tips for bringing more balance into your life: Set your computer to automatically shut down so you’ll go home when you mean to, build hobbies and interests to keep you busy and engaged outside of work, and schedule your free time the same way you schedule your work hours.

I'd love to hear how you work towards better work-life balance in your life. In the comments below, let me know your best tips.

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What Climbing Kilimanjaro Taught Me About Resilience

So full disclosure - I did not make it to the top of Kilimanjaro. I succumbed to a flu just as we reached base camp and thought better of attempting the summit with a fever and chills.

Gipson, Eden and my dad taking a break

Flu notwithstanding, I have some incredible memories. Most of all, I was amazed by our guides Gipson, Eden, and James. These guys are the epitome of tough and disciplined. Week in and week out, they march (and sometimes carry) people up that mountain. They absolutely know what they're doing. More than that, they know how to get people who don't know what they're doing to the top.

Long days on the mountain gave me lots of time to think. And the more I thought about it, the more I realized that their tips for getting us to the top apply as much off the mountain as they did on the mountain.

So here's what I learned from them that you can apply to get yourself through your own challenges, whether those are literal or figurative mountains.

1. Take it one step at a time

We learned pretty quickly that there was no point in asking Gipson how much longer or how much further we had to go. His answer was always the same: "one more second, one more step."

His philosophy is a sound one. When the final destination is a long way off (and it's going to be grueling to get there), better to focus on what's right in front of you. While it's tempting to concentrate on the end goal, it can also feel daunting. When the task in front of you is huge and stressful, thinking about the end can overwhelm you. You can quickly descend into a "how am I ever going to..." and "I don't think I can do this" tailspin and lose your confidence.

You see all the things you have to do before the finish line and it feels like too much. To avoid this kind of overwhelm, just look one step in front. Rather than think about everything you have to do, think about the next thing you have to do.

2. Mentally rehearse the process, not the result

Okay, so you're focused on your next steps, now what?

Picture yourself completing that step.

Notice I said completing, emphasis on the ing. Not completed, completing.

Every evening, we'd get a briefing about the next day's hike - what to wear, how far and how steep we'd be hiking, and what we needed in our day packs. And these briefings were well... brief. If we asked about the day after, Gipson would smile and say "I'll tell you tomorrow." Before starting out, we'd been given an overview of the whole hike but once we were up on the mountain, we got the information we needed when we needed it. And as preoccupied as we were with the summit, we didn't need that information until day 4.

Not easy for a day-dreamer like myself who loves to imagine being at the finish line more than getting to the finish line. But it turns out, that's exactly the right way to use mental rehearsal.

A couple of researchers (Pham & Taylor, 1999) compared whether it was more effective to mentally rehearse what it will feel like when you achieve your goal (e.g., finally getting a permanent contract with your organization after years of short-term ones) or what you need to do in order to achieve your goal (e.g., writing all those cover letters and sending in all those applications). What works better - imagining the process or the result?

While the result may be more fun to think about, mentally rehearsing the process is a better strategy. If you visualize yourself doing the work to get to your goal, you'll work harder and do a better job than if you visualize yourself having already achieved your goal.

3. Accept help

My last bit of mountain wisdom: let people help you. We were offered help over and over - help carrying our packs, help getting packed up, help of all sorts. And almost without thinking, we refused it. Any offer that would lighten our loads or make things easier, we turned down. After saying no to someone who had walked 15 minutes to come help me with my pack, I got to thinking - why am I refusing?

Part pride, part guilt. I didn't want to seem weak or incapable and I didn't want to impose on someone else.  I wanted to do it for myself.

Now I'm all for being self-sufficient under normal conditions. There is a value in feeling like you accomplished something on your own. But when things are really tough, you have to ask yourself, is your ego more important than the task at hand? 

Helping has other benefits too - for both the giver and the receiver (more about that in another blog post). It's ultimately a social behaviour so rather than being an imposition, it builds connection and strengthen bonds. And those connections help us persevere through difficult times.

So that's it. My hard-earned tips for getting up virtual and actual mountains. I'll be back to Kilimanjaro next year to make another attempt. In the meantime, let me know in the comments below what you do to scale your own mountains.

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How to tell people you can't help them

One of the hardest parts of humanitarian work is turning people away. You go into this work because you want to help people but the reality is sometimes you can't. Sometimes you have to say no - no to people who want and need and deserve help.

It never feels good to turn people away - for you or for them. So how do you do it well?

In this post, I'm going to share my top tips for saying no. Whether it's turning a family away from food distribution or telling a single mother she's not eligible for a cash grant, there are some good ways and some not-so-good ways to handle this kind of situation.

Let me start by defining what doing this well means. It means that you're clear and compassionate. That's it. It doesn't mean that the other person is happy about it. This is really important. Because we often get caught up in that - in not wanting the other person to feel disappointed or sad, or worse yet, to be mad at us or not like us! But honestly, what could be more human than feeling disappointed, sad and mad when you get bad news? You don't have to spin a "no" into something positive. It's actually pretty invalidating to do that. Your goal should be compassion and clarity.

So, let's start there.

Step 1 is to acknowledge your own feelings. Start by identifying how you feel about saying no. Guilty, frustrated, ineffective? Annoyed with the person who wants your help for putting you in this position in the first place? If you're struggling with feeling guilty, remind yourself that you're doing the best you can. And if you're feeling annoyed, try putting yourself in the shoes of the person who wants your help.

Step 2 is be clear. This one sounds simple but it is where many of us fall short. We either use overly formal bureaucratic language or we sugar coat the truth.

Formal language distances. It makes you seem cold and unfeeling - exactly the opposite of what you want. Compare "There is no further action for [insert your organization's name] to take at this time" to "There is nothing we can do to help you right now." Or even better "I'm sorry I can't do anything to help you."

The other thing you want to watch for is sugar coating the truth. It can be really tempting to make things seem more hopeful than they are. If there is some hope that a "no" will turn into a "yes" or another alternative will turn up, tell people that.

But when there isn't, don't offer false hope. Don't try to convince people that bad news is good news. Don't try to make it seem like you're saying "yes" when you're really saying "no". False hope is not kind.

And that takes us to step 3, which is to acknowledge the other person's feelings. Acknowledging or validating someone's feelings means accepting them, not trying to change them. It's the difference between "Calm down" and "Of course you're angry, anyone would be angry in your shoes."

Telling people not to feel what they feel isn't very effective, especially when their feelings are entirely appropriate for the situation. Telling someone that you can't help them and then telling them not to be angry, hurt, scared, disappointed or whatever else is not very realistic.

This step doesn't mean tolerating abuse from someone who's enraged or leaving people feeling hopeless. It means giving people time to react to what you've said, listening to their perspective, answering their questions, and validating their feelings.

So that's it. The steps to giving bad news are:

1. Acknowledge your feelings
2. Be clear
3. Acknowledge the other person's feelings

Try them out the next time you have to turn someone away from humanitarian help.

And now it's your turn. In the comments below, I'd love to hear your best and worst experiences giving bad news.

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